Monday, October 1, 2012

Dream-doubting. Hit your bottom already, so you can climb.

A few months ago, my sister and I sat at my kitchen table and talked about nutritional yeast and her college mission trips and my unconfirmed decisions about what to do once baby number two arrived. I felt that I wanted to go back to school. Contrary to my earlier existence as a free spirit, I discovered in recent years a penchant for business and development. The idea of making the leap from one kid plus full time job to two kids plus full time school plus somehow contributing financially to my family was still in an embryonic stage.

Dana is eight years younger than me, but there is something about being nineteen that makes one wise. I weighed the options of staying at my locationally convenient, camraderie-filled, low-paying job. It was, after all, something safe...except it wasn't because I couldn't afford a babysitter for one child, and more frequent emergencies were bound to emerge with two. Dana said something along the lines of,"You're scrappy. You always make things work. So if you take a leap of faith, you'll make things work. And if you play it safe, you'll stay where you are." Which is in dream mode: of continuing my education, publishing my novel, starting a fitness business, changing the world. Changing the world is hard to do from a desk.

So I read and researched and made lists and had one-sided conversations with my skeptical husband who nonetheless supports my lofty goals. He knows I am a worker bee when I'm passionate about something, and that seems to be the point: living with passion. What the hell else is there? Submission is pure torture for me and I refuse to play it safe anymore for the sake of false comfort.

I put in my notice. It wasn't easy. I like my coworkers. I am used to my routin. But I LOVE my role as a mom and I love learning and I love fitness and I love writing. And I think it's bullshit to tell your kids to reach for their dreams when you've spent all your precious time taking cover from your own.

Change is scary. If it weren't, nobody would stay stuck the way most of us do. I am pledging here and now, for Ben and Reese and Declan and myself and the world, that I will live with purpose. The only chance I will ever regret is the one I didn't take.

Dana, you're right. When you just jump, you have no choice but to learn to fly.

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